I’ve always thought that I have to be realistic. Have to have goals that I can achieve, shouldn’t dream about nonsense which isn’t possible to make happen. I always thought if I silence my inner voice and follow some generally accepted path I will eventually find my peace. I searched my happiness in others and found myself being anxious, broken and totally defeated.
Few years ago I fell in love big time, it was so crazy that I lost my sense of reality. All of it. We got married after less than a year and the following 2,5 years almost made me want to kill myself. In December 2018 I was sitting at a psychiatric nurse’s reception and just crying, not being able to talk for the first 30 minutes. I remember saying that I don’t have any dreams anymore. I don’t want anything from this life. I don’t wanna die but I don’t really want anything else either. The nurse said that it looks like you’ve already done your decision, you just haven’t told it to yourself yet.
A couple of months later I found a small pretty apartment in the heart of Helsinki (oh yes, I’m Finnish), built in 1927 and close to my dearest friend. I was terrified of the cost of living but I decided to make it by myself. I had so many relationships in a row I didn’t even know how does it feel to be alone. It took a while to get over the marriage and for months I had mental breakdowns every once in a while. Not because I missed it, but because I was so angry with myself for wasting my life. And there I was, wasting my life a little bit more, crying on the floor licking my wounds.
Just when I thought I’m fine, I had a burnout. Obviously it doesn’t happen suddenly, so I didn’t just wake up one morning realizing that I’m burning out. It was years of stress, lack of sleep, working in shifts, training too much regarding the amount of stress and insomnia and so on. I went to see a doctor and cried out of happiness. I was so relieved when I got a permission from an outsider to rest and reorganize my life. Well, the recovery hasn’t been easy and I’m still working on it, but finally I have had time to stop for a while and think about what do I really want from this life.
I haven’t been training in the gym for a few weeks and in the past I would’ve felt extreme guilt and panic for losing muscle and getting fat. Right now I’m actually feeling great. I’ve done a lot of yoga – ashtanga, hatha, yin, vinyasa, just name it. I went to my first ashtanga beginner’s class in Oulu city, the teacher was Finnish yoga teacher Hanne Sydänmaa. And I loved it. But then life happened, I did practice every once in while but it wasn’t really a rutine. I moved to Vantaa city and participated Joogama’s ashtanga courses and mysore classes and I really enjoyed it. I just didn’t know how to combine a powerful ashtanga yoga practice and gym training, ’cause both of them made me sore for days. I’ve actually struggled with that same question for years and I confess that I’ve given up and just went to the gym so many times. But right now it’s just me and my mat and I think that’s the best decision I’ve ever made.
I actually lied a little (or not so little) when I gave this post that campy headline ”The Story of My Life”. I can not write you the story of my life in one post or even in ten, but this is a start. I’ve really missed writing and this time it’s not about my face and beauty products or my opinions about what’s right and what’s wrong. It’s just me, my mat and my thoughts now. I’ve made a long-term plan to save money for a take-off, so I’m going to write about that too. Being single in Helsinki isn’t the cheapest option, but it’s definitely possible to make it happen.
I wanted to start writing a blog because I’m just too overwhelmed by Instagram (and basically all the social media) at the moment. I don’t say that I’m gonna stop using it, no, but I just need a break. I also wanted to write in English, not because I wanted my blog to be popular all over the world ’cause that’s not gonna happen, but because I wanted my international friends to be able to read it. It’s also a good practice for me improving my English skills so please don’t get disturbed of my spelling mistakes or funny expressions. You can correct me tho, I won’t mind 😉
But hey, pretty awesome to write a blog again. I’ve never done this in English and the topics have been fitness, food and beauty related. This time I’m gonna write from my huge heart ❤